Family

You know the old saying "blood is thicker than water"? Well that's not always true.....I've learned that over the years, and the full realization hit me during mom's funeral. As I mentioned before, I realized on the drive home that day that it was time to make some changes....

It wasn't long after Taz's diagnosis that things began to change. First it was the constant remarks of "you just need to discipline him more" and "how can the doctor's be sure he has Autism?" -- then the never ending parenting "tips" and suggestions came....

1) "He needs more discipline."
2) "Just put the food on the table, if he won't eat it then let him go hungry - he'll learn not to be so picky and/or make himself gag at the sight of certain foods."
3) "He should be on medication."
4) "Maybe he needs a higher dose of medication?"
5) "Are you disciplining him? If you paddle his butt he'll stop doing that."  

Blah blah blah....the list goes on and on. It wasn't long before the "family" began to treat him like he was some type of outcast.....like they were afraid if they interacted with him or allowed their children to be near him, then their precious children might "catch" his Autism. Taz's cousins wouldn't play with him.....they would run off every time he tried to go near them. They were afraid of his meltdowns -- they thought he was "weird"....and their parents did nothing to try to educate them or teach them how to be compassionate & accepting of their cousin. Of course how could they teach their own children how to be accepting, when they didn't accept him? They treated Taz the same way....they called him names like "retard" and "rainman".....they made jokes about "riding the short bus".....the list goes on and on, suffice to say they were cruel and they just didn't care. Of course in their opinion, I was taking things "too personally" and/or being too emotional -- some of them didn't see anything wrong with their own behaviors & comments.

After a while, we stopped attending family gatherings......we'd find some "excuse" as to why we couldn't attend. Or if by chance we did attend -- something important like a wedding or other huge event, we would find an excuse to leave early.....just to avoid the rude comments, dirty looks, etc. from those who were suppose to be "family". My mom noticed the way the others treated Taz......it used to break her heart and make her cry. Even though she herself didn't fully understand what Autism was, she loved him no matter what and accepted him for who he was --- Autism and all. And he loved his grandma.....he was so protective of her and so careful around her.....I remember the times he would gently take her arm and help her walk once she wasn't able to move around like she used to....or he would hold the doors open for her, run and grab something so she wouldn't have to get up & try to walk to get it, etc. I remember once when she came to visit for a week....she was having difficulty walking and really wanted to go to the store. That particular store had what we called "stretched limo" shopping carts.....a bench seat and then a cart that had 2 child seats (it was basically like 1 & 1/2 shopping carts put together with a bench seat, very convenient in some ways but extremely difficult to maneuver). Taz volunteered to push the cart while his grandma sat on the bench seat.....she looked like a queen riding on a float, and he beamed with pride as he carefully pushed the cart up & down the aisles.

One incident that still brings tears to my eyes to think about it.....my siblings planned a surprise party for my mom's birthday (this happened several years ago).....and while at the party, Taz tried to run and join his younger cousins while they were playing. The other children ignored him -- wouldn't speak to him -- wouldn't play with him.....some called him names while others ran off to complain to their parents about him. I remember some of the remarks the other children made....."he's so weird, do I have to play with him?" Sadly, the adult "family" members weren't much better. Their attitude was "well kids will be kids". Sigh....I remember I was sitting at a table with mom behind some of the adult "family" members -- my husband was at the counter getting a refill on his cup of coffee......one of the kids ran over to their parent to complain about Taz and say they didn't want to play with him. Another "family" member said "so what is really WRONG with him?" And then it happened......

One "family" member said "he has Autism.....you know, he's like Rainman".....then they all laughed and another "family" member said "yeah like Rainman, I drive slow on the driveway." They continued to laugh and joke around about it -- making smart remarks about Taz and his Autism. I looked at them -- then looked at mom. She had also heard their conversation and remarks.....and with tears streaming down her face she looked at me and said "why can't they love him and accept him for the way he is? why do they have to say and do things like this?" It took every ounce of strength I had to choke back my own tears (and to keep from getting up and punching one of them in the face!), and I said "I don't know mom....I don't know." I looked towards where my husband had been standing (next to my former brother-in-law) directly behind the "family" that had made the remarks & who were still laughing and saying things to one another.....there was a mixture of anger and sadness on his face. Without saying a word to any of them, he walked over to where our kids were, took them by the hand and then walked past me and said "we're leaving".......then he took the kids and went out to the car. At that point, I wasn't able to hold back my tears.....I hugged mom and said "I'm sorry mom, we have to leave now." She nodded to let me know she understood why. Without a word to anyone else in the "family", I gathered our things and walked out the door. Years later some "family" members still swear that they did nothing wrong -- that their comments & laughter weren't meant in a negative way, while others deny that it even happened.

The years that followed were the same......more remarks from "family", more snarky looks, etc. As time went on, my visits "home" to see them all became less and less. I didn't want my son around them --- I didn't want any of our kids around them -- if that was the way the "family" was going to treat Taz. My brother understood -- he was one of the few who did accept Taz just the way he was, and he loved Taz more than words can express. On more than one occasion he spoke up -- but the "family" just didn't seem to understand how much their snotty looks, rude remarks, etc hurt -- they didn't seem to understand what was wrong about their behavior towards Taz. Their comments and behaviors used to make my brother so angry. Even when my husband & I discussed creating our Wills.....and I asked each "family" member the same question:  "If something happens to us, would you be willing to take the kids?"......each person I asked responded the same: "we'll take the other boys, but not Taz"......of course they each had some odd reason (excuse) for why they wouldn't take Taz, but regardless of their reasons (excuses).....it was basically all the same -- they didn't want him around.....not now and not ever. I didn't ask my brother -- only because at the time, he had just been diagnosed with his cancer. I know in my heart though, IF something would have happened to hubby & I when my brother was alive....he would have taken ALL of the boys.....he wouldn't have said no, especially when it came to making sure Taz was taken care of.

The remarks, snotty looks, etc. continued......at the last "family" gathering we had for Thanksgiving dinner.....at Frank's funeral......when we went to visit during the summer.....and the day of mom's funeral. Some family members made half-hearted apologies for their remarks & behaviors -- yet even afterwards, they still continued to talk about Taz and treat him like crap. Prior to Frank's death, remarks were made when the kids & I went down to visit mom.....some "family" members didn't think Taz should be around his grandma....they were concerned that he might somehow hurt her (perhaps during one of his meltdowns?) -- who knows.....their reasons & so called logic as to the "how" and "why" it might happen was a bunch of crap. They gave him funny looks, rolled their eyes when he'd try to talk to them, and continue with their remarks of "why isn't he on medicine?" and "you should discipline him more, he wouldn't act that way if you did"......it was the same thing over and over.....like a record that's stuck playing the same song over and over......only this time, I was tired of hearing it and wasn't in the mood to dance.

I blew up prior to mom's death, and then again shortly afterwards.....I stopped biting my tongue and said some things that needed to be said -- things that I had held inside for far too long. I spoke my mind and then some.....I went into full blown "bitch" mode -- I was one ticked off mom. Yes, I blew up -- I said some very cruel and hateful things, even going so far as to tell one sibling that I was dis-owning them. I was angry -- angry at the way my son had been treated by "family" for so many years......tired of their remarks, dirty looks, & snarky attitudes.....tired of him being the "joke" of the so called "family" for far too long. Tired of being made to feel like my son was somehow "unworthy" of their time & love......and that he was somehow defective compared to their so-called perfect precious children. Yes I was angry -- I had enough and I spoke my mind.

One "family" member had made a remark that we use our son's Autism as a crutch to try to get sympathy and pity from people -- Seriously?! I'm sure you can guess what my response was to that (I basically said "stick it where the sun don't shine!"). Of course I was also told that I was taking things too personally. Really?! How would you feel if someone treated your child like an outcast, made rude remarks and jokes, and basically treated him or her like crap? Hmmm....yeah ok, I guess I take that personally. That is MY child -- and I am a very protective mom. I won't let strangers treat him that way, and I sure as hell won't let "family" do it either.  So yeah, I spoke my mind and then some. Afterwards, the conversations between myself and "family" dwindled.....phone calls became few and far between, and no one has visited our house since mom's death. I earned the title of "family bitch" -- oh well, if sticking up for my child makes me a bitch then so be it. It took a lot of soul searching and thought....and I finally made the final break -- I terminated all contact with "family".

I decided if this is the way my son is going to be treated -- I don't need them in my life, and I sure as hell don't need them in his (or our other children's lives). I don't want my kids to be around people who will treat Taz like that and talk about him like that......you don't do that to someone you claim to love & care about......you don't do that to FAMILY! So now, our "family" consists of hubby, Taz, our other kids, and myself (and a few other relatives who haven't been cut out of our lives). As much as it hurt to cut the "family" out of our lives -- the realization hit me on the drive home from mom's funeral that day -- they will never change. They will never accept Taz for who he is and they have shown time and time again that when and IF we ever need them, they won't be there -- we can't count on them for support or anything else. In the months that followed, the reality hit me more and more -- their attitudes were the same and it tore me up inside. My anger & resentment was building towards them and I was turning into someone I didn't like -- and the stress & B.S. from "family" was beginning to cause health problems for me. As much as it hurt, I had to accept the facts. They will always treat Taz like some type of outcast, and I don't want people like that in his life. He has enough challenges ahead of him & he needs to have people in his life that will love him, support him, be there when needed, & accept him for who he is.

I just wish they could see Taz through my eyes, perhaps then they would realize what an amazing, smart, caring, & compassionate young man he is. Perhaps then they wouldn't see the Autism -- they would just see him? I just wish they could accept him and love him the way that his grandma & uncle did. But I know that will never happen -- so to save myself and Taz from further heartache, judgement, etc. I had to make the choice to cut them out of our lives. In doing that, I was able to let go of all of the pain, resentment, and anger I have felt for so long because of the way "family" has acted -- the way they have spoken about him -- and the way they have treated him for so long......and I'm at peace now. I'm sure there are some who feel that I'm a total bitch by cutting "family" out of our lives.....what I've written here is just the tip of the iceberg.....I could share so many more stories and then perhaps you'd understand what we've had to deal with for the last 10 years. But I won't go into that now....I know those who know us, and know what we've dealt with understand -- they've heard the stories and details of things (and they are disgusted by they way "family" has acted towards us & Taz and how we've been treated), and many have told me that I made the right decision. I know I haven't been perfect -- I know what my faults are & what my part was in all of this. Yet I'm able to admit my wrongs, I've apologized for things (even things that I didn't do!) and have tried time and time again -- only to get it thrown back in my face over and over. I just decided enough was enough -- I've let it all go......I'm moving on......I'm at peace with it all. I've accepted the fact that our "family" will never treat each other the way that mom & dad had wanted -- we will never be the way that we should.....and any chance or hope of that happening died the day that mom died. She was the "glue" that held us together -- now that she's gone, so is what's left of the dream of "family". So now, my focus will be on my true family -- my husband, our other children, and especially Taz.