Broken

Just as the title says, yesterday I felt completely "broken".....and today I am attempting to pick up the pieces and determine where to go from here. If you've been keeping up with the blog, then you should know why....if not, then here's a brief summary:

Although this year thus far has had some ups & downs, I honestly felt as though we were on the right track. We were doing everything possible to help Taz to re-focus and have a good year in 8th grade. We let down our guard just a little bit and put more trust in "the powers that be" more than we should have. We caved in to the strong arm tactics of the school -- agreed to switch his core classes from a general education setting to a "resource room" setting for this year -- in an effort to reduce his anxiety and issues. It was a good idea in theory, since it meant smaller class sizes, being with other kids who had the same issues (thus more acceptance from his peers), and allowing him to work at his own pace while still staying on track academically. Yes, although we had mixed feelings about this "change" -- it was a good idea in theory, and we felt it would start him out on the right foot. We believed that it would be what was best for Taz. Now we realize that we should have listened more to that "little voice" inside ourselves and gone with our gut feelings -- lesson learned -- the mistake won't happen again.

Alas, as we all know -- life with Autism is never a smooth ride. It's like a roller coaster -- full of twists and turns, highs and lows.....and just when you think it's starting to slow down -- wham -- things speed up and you have to hang on for dear life as it takes you around another turn. It's a never ending roller coaster ride -- and if you think otherwise then you're either in denial or fooling yourself. There is no time to catch your breath, no time to allow the knots in your stomach to relax a bit. The stress and bullshit (excuse my language) are never ending -- there is no "down time" -- and if you are foolish enough to let down your guard and attempt to relax just a bit, something else hits....at it hits hard! Sometimes it hits so hard that it knocks you completely on your ass, and you're left sitting there thinking "what the hell just happened?" -- it's like a 90 mph fast ball coming from somewhere in left field. Well, yesterday was one of those days......and by the time it was over, I felt completely broken.

As I said, Taz has had some difficult moments thus far this year -- but nothing that I couldn't handle -- or so I thought. I've done everything and more as a parent -- I've communicated via email, phone calls, and in person with various staff members and people on "the team" numerous times since the first day of school. I've made MANY suggestions, helped put together a behavior plan, provided Taz with "good choice" incentives, etc etc -- I've done my part and more. Yet for some reason the issues and bullshit continue -- and for the life of me, I don't understand why? Today I sit here wondering, is the "team" doing their part? Are they following the behavior plan? Well the answer to that one is....NO, no they are not. And yet somehow that is my fault? They screw up, they don't do what we've agreed upon -- Taz has an issue -- they fail to follow protocol -- the issue results in severe behavior -- and somehow I'm the one to blame?! Seriously.....the only response I have to that involves MANY swear words.

Ok so here's the thing....thus far up until yesterday, the behavior issues have all been what I would consider minor. Yes he made some bad choices, yes he said a few things that I'd consider to be typical "mouthy teenager" remarks -- but there was never any damage of property nor physical injury to anyone. However yesterday is a completely different story. He was a bit high strung when he got off the bus -- not sure why, since he was in a great mood when the bus arrived to pick him up in the morning. Rather than giving him a few minutes to "wind down", the "team" made the choice to take him into his first hour class knowing full well that he was on edge. The bad choices and behavior issues continued -- he was jumping off of chairs, yelling, etc. The "team" removed him from the room, gave him a few minutes of down time then proceeded to take him into his 2nd hour class even though he was still on edge & not at 100%. The issues and behavior continued, once again he was finally removed from the room (5 minutes before the bell rang) & given a few minutes, then they proceeded to take him into 3rd hour. From what the "team" told me -- in my oh so humble opinion, he was not calm enough at that point, and should never have been taken into his 3rd hour class. They failed to follow protocol and give me a "heads up" phone call as to what was going on, thus together we could have determined IF he should have been picked up during 1st hour or allowed to proceed to his next class. They failed to notify me during 2nd hour -- they made the choice and put him into a situation that once again in my oh so humble opinion, he shouldn't have been in. They put this in motion, not me -- because THEY failed to contact me and follow the behavior plan. They pushed him to go to each class, knowing that he was on edge and not at the behavior level he should have been.....their actions and decissions were like throwing gasoline on an already buring out of control fire.

As a result, Taz's behavior and poor choices were past the point of being escalated by 3rd hour -- and his "fight or flight" kicked in -- unfortunately what he did after that is the reason why he received a 5-day suspension. Unfortunately I can't go into too much detail at the moment, but suffice to say he threw something at a staff member. Now let me state for the record the staff member was NOT injured -- and it was a tiny object that really couldn't do that much harm. However, since Taz threw said object at someone rather than throwing it on the floor, etc the school's policy states that act of behavior is considered to be "assault", thus the 5-day suspension. Seriously? So if I go into the school and throw a marshmallow at someone, that would be considered assault because the marshmallow would be considered to be a "weapon" in their eyes? Give me a freaking break....(and no for the record, it wasn't a marshmallow that was thrown, just using that as an example since it's in the policy handbook). Yes I understand the seriousness of his action, and I understand the whole assault/weapon thing -- however he shouldn't have been put into that situation to begin with -- their mistake and bad choices, not mine.

Sigh, anyhow at that point "the powers that be" decided to call mom. Yeah, they completely ignore the behavior plan and do things that cause Taz's behavior to escalate to a level that it should NEVER have been at, THEN they call me -- great job team! (yes in case you didn't notice, that is said with sarcasm) You screw up and are partly to blame for what happened, then once it reaches a level that it should NEVER have reached -- you call in the calvary to clean up your mess. And once I get there -- which I will add, was at record time -- THEY put the blame for all of this on ME! Seriously, how is it my fault that you acted like assholes? How is it my fault that your decisions caused things to escalate to this point -- and caused Taz to reach the level that he was at? I know my kid, and he would NEVER have done what he did IF you as the adults would have made better choices. Therefore, YOU failed -- NOT me!

Yet somehow, the blame was put onto me. I was the one attempting to calm my son while the principal went all "drama club" on me -- talking about the what if stuff and saying how much worse things could have been. Duh asshole, I know that -- don't try to tell me about "what if" scenarios -- I'm the one who tried to explain all of that to you guys since day #1 -- but did any of you listen? No -- obviously not or we wouldn't be here doing this right now. Just stand there and don't bother to attempt to help out -- continue to lecture me, act all dramatic, and tell me how I'm such a bad parent. I'll handle my kid who outweighs me by about 20 pounds and is at least 3 inches taller than me -- you just stand there with a freakin' smirk on your face and continue to lecture me jackass --- that's really helping a lot -- NOT! And finally once I get my kid calm, and I'm attempting to listen to the aide explain what happened that led up to all of this -- Mr. Principal decides to start acting like a major dickhead. Gee, does it make you feel like a big man to sit there and threaten me -- do you feel a sense of power using your bullying strong-arm BS to bring me to tears? You sir are a major asshole! Yes my son made some bad choices and had bad behavior, but YOU and your "team" are also responsible for this because YOU failed to follow the behavior plan thus this is the result of YOUR mistakes -- not mine!

Anyhow, after sitting there listening to his drama lecture, threats, and major BS -- I walked out of the office in tears. The aide helped to get Taz out to the car, the principal just walked behind us with a big smirk on his face. I drove home in tears, escorted Taz into the house and explained to my husband what had happened -- threw the suspension notice at him and said "I can't deal with this shit any more, I need 5 minutes", then walked into my room -- threw myself on the bed and just sobbed uncontrollably for what seemed like an eternity. I felt completely broken -- the joy I had felt earlier in the week because of the plan to do the whole "Autism Education" presentation at the school was gone. I felt broken -- like my spirit had been crushed -- my heart was in a million different pieces -- and I had failed as a mother. How can I educate others on Autism and how to deal with it, when I'm such a failure? How can I make a difference in someone else's life when I can't even make one in my own son's? I had done everything that I could -- he is my life 24/7 -- and yet somehow it just isn't enough -- and somehow I've failed him. Yes I felt broken....I felt completely worthless and like a total failure.

God bless my husband -- he allowed me to have the time I needed to fall apart -- then he picked up the pieces and tried to put me back together. I felt weak, and he gave me strength. He has always been my lighthouse in this never ending storm that we call Autism. We've been on this journey together since day one, and at times I try to take more onto my shoulders than I should -- but when that happens, he always steps in and reminds me that this is not my battle to fight alone -- we fight the battles together. He looked at me and said "they are going to deal with me now -- you focus on Taz, I'll deal with the school" -- and I felt a sense of calm wash over me, because I could tell that he was pissed off and he would take things from here -- removing the burden from my shoulders. Yes they had awoken the pappa bear and now they will see that dealing with him is a LOT harder than dealing with me. Now for those who are asking "why didn't he go to pick Taz up?" -- he was out running errands at the time the school called. I called him when we were leaving the school, thus he was home once we got there.

I had been told that Mrs. W would call regarding how we would obtain Taz's homework, etc but the phone call never came yesterday. Instead I received an email late last night saying that basically she had never been told that she was the one who was suppose to deal with me & the homework issue. Great communication there team (yes said with sarcasm)! Our ISD rep never called either.....apparently none of the "team" told him what had happened. The only phone call that did come was from the vice principal. He had heard through the grapevine how upset I was when I left the office, and wanted to make sure that I was ok. He kept asking what his boss had said to me, because he knows that it takes a LOT to break me -- it takes a lot to reduce me to tears. As the phone call ended, he assured me that he'd make sure we had Taz's schoolwork and he'd be in touch today. Thus far today -- no phone calls -- no emails -- no contact of any kind. No one from the school, our ISD rep, Mrs. W, or other members of the "team" have made any type of contact....however I did learn through the grapevine that they have already re-assigned Taz's aide to a new building (they made that change before the end of the day yesterday). Apparently they aren't expecting Taz to return to school once the suspension is over -- they are assuming we will switch school districts and/or just decide to homeschool him. Hmmm....really?

As hubby said, they have made it clear over the past 2 years that they really don't want to deal with Taz -- they really don't want him at their school. They have done everything they can to push our buttons, to make things more difficult than they should be -- and we've always fought back -- we've always fought for our son. Their actions of moving his aide to a different building says it all -- they are hoping that we've given up. I have no doubt that yesterday they tried to break me -- the smirk on the Principal's face said it all -- and I'm sure they are hoping that this is the last they will see of Taz (next year he'll be in high school -- different building, different staff) -- thus no longer their "problem" to deal with. There is no logical reason for them to move his aide -- their building is short staffed, thus she could fill in and help out while he's on suspension -- yet instead they move her out of the building completely? Apparently they fail to realize, we've done this dance before.....it may be a different song playing, but it's the same old dance.....and they should know by now, that they might have knocked me down but they will never knock us out. We will fight for what our son needs, we will fight for his rights, and we will never give up. No, they haven't seen the last of us.....not by a long shot.