Looking Back

Last night I spent some time looking back....thinking about how far we've come over the last 10 years. Yes I said "we", because let's face it....this journey hasn't just been about the way Taz has grown and changed, it's also about how hubby & I have grown and changed as well.

While reading through some of the other blogs & Facebook pages that I follow, I couldn't help but think how sad it is that some parents just can't handle this journey....thus they decide to bail at the first chance they get, leaving the other parent to deal with things alone. I thought about how far we've come, and how far we still have to go. I thought about how many times the relationship has been tested between hubby & I.....and yet no matter what life threw at us, we somehow managed to survive and get through it. In the end, we were stronger.....or at least that's what we thought.

I've noticed that the same question seems to pop up over and over -- whether it's on Facebook or a blog -- parents who are just starting out on this journey seem to ask it quite a bit:

"How did you accept the fact that your kid has autism?"

And like other AI parents, I feel a bit confused by the question and want to ask those parents:

"How can you not accept the fact that your kid has autism?"

It's not magic -- there isn't some secret code -- you have the choice, just like with any other situation life hands you -- you either accept it and move forward, all the while trying to determine how you will deal with each situation.....or you give up and walk away. The thing that I have difficulty wrapping my head around is the fact that so many choose to just give up and walk away -- or they waste precious time trying to deny it. They say things like "oh no, he doesn't have that" or "he'll grow out of it, we can cure this, we can fix this."

Ok listen up.....YOU CAN NOT CURE THIS.....YOU CAN NOT FIX THIS! So suck it up, pull on your big kid panties and just deal with it. That is your child, and just like when you take a marriage vow -- it's for better or worse. It's not like buying a new pair of shoes, getting home only to realize that they don't fit so you return them --- you can't return your child, you can't change what life has given you. So you have 2 choices -- #1 you can walk away and take the cowardly easy way out, or #2 you can suck it up and say "I love my kid no matter what" and do everything within your power to help your child to live the most productive life possible. Yeah, life tends to throw a few curve balls when we aren't looking....some of us have to struggle and deal with things that others could never imagine. It doesn't mean we are superman or have some amazing level of power -- it just means we've decided to make the best of a crappy situation, and that we love our kids no matter what.

Last night I sat and read through some of the old notes, cards, & love letters that hubby had given to me when we began dating. I thought about all of the dreams and plans we had back then. I thought about all of the things we've been through since Taz's diagnosis.....and I somehow reminded myself of just how strong we are -- like hubby had said in one of his love letters -- "It's you & me against the world baby, and as long as we are together we can make it through anything." I wonder if he realized back then when he wrote those words, just how much "the world" would throw at us? Later as we sat on the couch relaxing and watching the Olympics, I just looked at him and kept thinking about the many reasons why I love him.

I wasn't able to sleep much last night.....partly due to the rain storms, but partly due to the fact that my mind just couldn't "turn off" and relax. I kept thinking about what I had read during the day on other sites, and all of the parents who are new to this journey. I asked myself "what would you have done differently?" and in all honesty, there were very few things I would have changed -- basically the only things would have been how I prepared myself and Taz for the teen years and the future. I didn't look far enough ahead back then -- thus now it's more of a struggle than what I would like. Other than that, there really isn't anything I would change. I realized just how far we have come, and just how strong we are. I reminded myself that we have to continue to look forward from here on out......