My Crazy Life

There are so many things I have to share....stories & experiences we've had while on this crazy roller coaster ride called Autism. But today's blog will consist of a few of the things that are what I call "my crazy life".

People often tell me that I should become a comedian, because apparently they find me to be quite humorous. It seems like I'm able to pop off with some witty one-liners quite a bit -- what can I say, it's a gift -- and with the way I tend to give visual descriptions of things, people often end up rolling on the floor with laughter as I describe a crazy moment in our life and/or share one of the "guess what happened today" stories. At times I can be sarcastic, and even a bit "bitchy"....yes I know, it's hard to believe. I've even been known to cuss like a drunk sailor at times (no offense meant towards any drunk sailors). Yes I know, that's totally shocking....I seem like such a sweet quiet gal (just kidding). Well, June Cleaver I am not....far from it!

Several of the folks I've shared our story with have a difficult time believing that these things really happen....of course for anyone who's lived with Autism, you know that...YES, this type of stuff can and will happen. There are days when you wonder how on Earth you've managed to maintain your sanity by the end of the day. For example, your child shoves a gummy bear up their nose and you have to take a trip to the ER to have it removed.....only to return an hour later because this time they have shoved a piece deep within their ear. (yes those events happened a few years ago, thus the reason why gummy bears are now banned in our house). Of course this all happens just a few days AFTER you've had to take another kid to the ER because they shoved a popcorn kernel up their nose.

Our life can be crazy at times....it's like a cross between some TV comedy show and a Blue Collar Comedy routine (FYI:  I so totally love those guys, they crack me up!) Thus you develop a warped sense of humor and have to find a way to laugh through the tears on some days, otherwise you will end up in a padded room making macaroni pictures every Sunday. Hmmm, that reminds me, we're almost out of macaroni. Ok, where was I again? Oh yes now I remember....

Today for example:  it is hot.....I'm talking melt the glaciers kind of hot! Our poor state hasn't had a decent rain shower in almost a month. The crops are all dying in the farmer's fields, the grass has turned a lovely shade of brown, etc. This is the type of weather where all you want to do is just lay in front of a fan and veg out for the entire day. Those who know me, know that I live on coffee and very little sleep.....and it is so hot outside, I decided to skip the coffee today (gasp!) -- yes it was too hot to make coffee this morning.

Well the kids woke up way too early and have done everything within their power to try to drive me insane. I'm pretty sure they have figured out that mommy has not had a drop of her morning java. Thus they have decided to take full advantage of the situation. My morning has consisted of:

"Don't jump on that, you will fall and get hurt"

"Don't put that in your mouth, that's gross"

"Don't hit your brother"

"Didn't I just say that you shouldn't jump on that?"

And the list goes on and on.....in a moment of desperation and probably due to the lack of caffeine coursing through my veins, I believe I promised them some Popsicles and a pony later if they would just sit down and/or play quietly. I could tell already that this was going to be a very long day! My oh so sweet husband was scheduled to work today, and I swear he was ready to practically sprint out the door! No it's not because he loves his job that much -- I'm guessing he knew something that I didn't. Perhaps it was the full moon last night -- but I have the feeling that today is going to be one of those "crazy" days. While I pondered this, Taz decided to ask if he could take a bath. I thought to myself -- sure why not? -- and told him yes.

Now we've been dealing with puberty....not sure if I mentioned that before or not, but yes Taz has begun the joys of puberty. If anyone tells you that dealing with an Autistic child during puberty is a piece of cake -- do NOT believe them -- they are a complete and total liar! This is by far the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. Anyhow....back to Taz and the bath.

Due to the puberty and his growing curiosity, at times it's important to check on him while he's in the bathroom -- because he could be doing, well ummm you know, and sometimes he's in there for quite a while. So I walk into the bathroom to see what is taking so long with this bath (yes I knocked on the door first), fully expecting him to be "visiting the wiener fairy".....instead he is sitting there naked in the full bathtub wearing his swim goggles and snorkel! Seriously?!

This is how the conversation went:

Me: "What are you doing?"
Him: "Taking a bath"
Me: "what's with the swim goggles?"
Him: "I didn't want water to get into my eyes"

OK....I'll believe that....it sounds like a legit reason right? Next....

Me: "Ok so what's up with the snorkel?"
Him: "It's so I can breathe while I'm under water"
Me: "Umm ok, so why do you need to be under water?"
Him: "So I can look at my wiener"

Ok....now the truth comes out. Sigh....

Me: "Well it's not time for that, so finish washing and get out of the tub."
Him: "ok"
Me: "And remember, we don't call it a wiener...you have to use the correct term and say penis."
Him: "ok"

I just walked out of the bathroom shaking my head. Ok, I know kids are curious about their body parts, and as I've been told they begin to "explore" and touch themselves more when they hit puberty....but seriously, do you need a pair of swim goggles and a snorkel when you're in the bathtub doing that?!?! It must be a guy thing....I don't know. I mentioned to hubby what was taking place and he just laughed. I very sweetly reminded him that all of the "guy stuff" was his department to explain. I'll deal with the social stories, meltdowns, school, etc. -- he can deal with this stuff! He gave me a kiss, said "it will be ok", and headed out the door to go to work.....oh great, so now what do I do?!

As I pondered what my next social story would be (to help with discussing this topic), I glanced longingly at the empty coffee pot....oh it's going to be a long day.....I really should have made a pot of coffee this morning. Damn that full moon last night! It's way too hot to make coffee now, however I'm going to need something to keep me going and help me to get through this crazy day. I wonder, is it too early to start thinking about making some margaritas? Sad thing is, I'm really not a drinker....I'm more of a once in a great while "one can/glass commando" type of drinkers....yet somehow, at this exact moment a few margaritas sound really good.

Yes, this is my crazy life....