Siblings

I've mentioned before in the post titled "He's Not A Brat, He's My Brother"...how our other children have dealt with having a big brother on the Autism spectrum. I've mentioned several times how proud I am of them, how they seem to understand and accept that this is our life.....how compassionate they have been, how helpful they have been, etc.  

Well I'm not sure what happened, but it seems like over the past year their feelings have changed & their behaviors have changed. It seems like on some days they will purposely go out of their way to antagonize their brother and trigger a meltdown just for the heck of it. It seems like they resent him more, like they are suddenly embarrassed of him, etc. -- they have become less supportive, less understanding, and less accepting. After careful observation, I've determined that son #2 appears to be the "ring leader" in all of this -- and the 2 younger boys just follow along and copy him.

After a very difficult day.....I sat down and had a long talk with son #2 about this. I must say, his response surprised me just a tad bit. I know having a sibling with Autism isn't easy -- I get that. Yet it seems as though their behaviors and feelings have changed so much, especially over the past few months -- and in some ways, I just don't understand why. I know kids are kids -- and as they grow they are trying to discover who they are -- they constantly change -- I get that. Just like at school, one day someone is your friend and then the next day they aren't for whatever reason.....and one day something can be "cool" or popular (like a certain TV show, clothing style, etc.) and then the next day it's not. Thus in some ways I understand -- I get it -- yet at the same time, I don't.....thus the reason I thought it was time to sit down with son #2 and have a long heart to heart talk.

We talked about how he and his younger brothers have always been accepting & understanding of Taz, and how lately their behaviors and feelings seem to have changed. Son #2 expressed his feelings....his frustration....his jealousy.....his resentment. He spoke about how at times he feels conflicted -- he loves his big brother, yet at times he hates the Autism. I get that -- I totally understand how he feels. He told me that when he begins to feel that way, he becomes upset with himself and ashamed....and yet angry at the same time....that's ok, I understand -- I get it. He spoke about how at times we've all had to sacrifice something -- and at times he feels resentful because of it. Like the one example he gave.....there have been a few missed events over the years due to Taz's Autism.....missed field trips, etc. I pointed out the fact that although there have been some missed events -- there have been many more that weren't missed. And if there was something missed, his dad & I have gone above and beyond to try to make up for it.

He spoke about how his friends have birthday parties, sleep over’s, etc. -- and yet none of them want to come to our house for a play date or sleep over because of Taz -- ok, I understand that and I'm sorry that his friends feel that way.....I can't change the way his friends think or behave. He spoke about how during this past year at Middle School, he often felt embarrassed and ashamed -- how he didn't want to acknowledge Taz was his brother. I get that -- I understand -- living with Autism isn't easy. He looked at me and said "mom, I wish that just for one day Taz could be normal" -- then we both began to cry. I totally understand how he can feel that way at times, I "get it" regarding his frustration, etc. I guess I haven't been doing as great of a job at letting him & his younger brothers know that it's ok to feel frustrated, etc at times -- I guess I need to work on that more and help them to understand that although it's perfectly normal to have those thoughts and feelings at times, they have to find a better way of dealing with it.  

After a long heart to heart discussion, I understood his side of things -- and he understood mine more. He agreed to talk about things more and not take his frustration, etc out on his brother and/or purposely try to antagonize him and trigger a meltdown. He also agreed to set a better example for his younger brothers to follow. In turn, I agreed to try to make more one on one time for him and his younger siblings -- to provide praise more often, and continue to do the things that I have done to help Taz learn the proper social skills, etc so we can be able to do more "normal" things -- like go out to eat at a restaurant, go to a movie once in a while, take more family vacations and "fun" days, etc. Living with Autism isn't easy.....and as a parent, you have to balance your time -- it can be a challenge when one child requires more attention than the others.

As parents we need to remember that our other children feel similar frustrations, etc from time to time....yet because they are kids, they don't always know how to express those feelings or learn how to cope with things in the correct manner. We need to make sure that we let them know it's ok to feel frustration, embarassment, etc. -- however, it is important to discuss things -- communication is the key. And we need to help them to understand that they can't take their frustration out on their brother -- he didn't ask to be this way. For better or worse, this is our life -- dealing with Autism isn't always easy, but we have to find a way to deal with it the best that we can. Sometimes as grown ups, we forget to look at this journey through the eyes of our other children and try to understand it from their view. After the discussion with son #2, he felt better -- yet for some reason, I felt like a failure as a parent. Why does it seem like no matter what we do, it's never enough? There just aren't enough hours in the day, and no matter how many steps forward we take -- it seems like there are a few steps backwards as well. Sigh....welcome to the world of Autism.